24th July Bryn met Natasha's sister by chance in London. "I've put all that behind me- I've forgotten Birmingham. I have a new life" he told her over coffee. 27th July Philip’s friend Nick called at home which was nice of him. He said Philip had tried L.S.D. while at school. Pam has been having panic attacks especially when shopping. She says the pain, in a sense, worsens as other people forget and it closes in on us only. Young people's horizons expand, Philip's are closing. An arrow from the bow has turned and is lost somewhere close. 2nd August Jonathan and I went to work together in the normal way. I telephoned D.C.Boyle just after nine to ask him how he was getting on, and whether he had received the fax I sent him. He said he thought we would be in Birmingham today for the Hearing so I told him that the Magistrates Court had said there was no listing. He was surprised, offered to find out and ring back. He did so in five minutes; Court 9, 2 o'clock, 1.45 for prisoners. Jonathan and I altered arrangements, went home, collected our suits and arrived around 12.45, eating sandwiches and changing in the car park. Our solicitor, Mr. Cotter rang when we were driving up. He said he would come. It might be a non event. The Crown Prosecution Service representative, or agent, in Court would have thirty or more files and would probably know nothing of Philip's case. The police, Cotter said, would let us look at the photographs taken in Philip's room but didn't want them out of their possession. Alex Johnson was in a suit, his hair in a bun. A friend came with him. I introduced myself to the C.P.S. man, a Mr. Barker who later told the Court that Philip was said to have been drunk. The toxicology report shows under five milligrams in his blood, a minute amount, less than one pint. I hope that doesn't matter. Who is the witness, Joan Wright, that Johnson has been told to keep away from? After the court hearing we went to see Martin Banks, a rather scruffy young man, at the Birmingham Post and then waited to see D.C.Boyle at the police station. Also waiting there was a man who said he had been arrested after catching and tying up two of three youths he and a neighbour had caught after they had broken into his house. 3rd August Pam, Sally and I left home about midday and drove to see Mr. Cotter, stopping close by to eat the sandwiches Pam had prepared. He had arranged for us to see a pathologist who ran through the ambulance, toxicology and post mortem reports. He couldn't say much. I suspect he was not familiar with drugs. The time of death was probably six to twelve hours before the ambulance was called at four o'clock, Saturday afternoon. Ambulance Report PT FOUND BY FELLOW STUDENTS LYING ON R SIDE ON BED UNRESPONSIVE COLD TO TOUCH AND STIFF - NOT SEEN SINCE LAST NIGHT! TOLD BY FELLOW STUDENTS THAT HE WENT TO BED LAST NIGHT AFTER DRINKING A LARGE AMOUNT + TAKING ? HEROIN ? BLOOD SEEN AROUND NOSE AND ON PILLOW + SMALL AMOUNT OF ? GASTRIC CONTENT Toxicology Report ANALYSIS DID NOT SHOW THE PRESENCE OF A TOXICOLOGICALLY SIGNIFICANT QUANTITY OF ETHYL ALCOHOL IN THE BODY OF THE DECEASED. THE CONCENTRATION OF MORPHINE IN THE BODY IS AT A LEVEL ASSOCIATED WITH FATALITY AND MAY HAVE CAUSED DEATH. THE PRESENCE OF BENZOYLECGONINE IN THE URINE IS CONSISTENT WITH THE DECEASED HAVING USED COCAINE AT SOME TIME PRIOR TO DEATH. No kidney or liver damage. The cocaine in his urine could have been taken many days earlier if it was part of a large dose. It was not possible to say if the heroin had been taken in one or two doses. It was probably eaten rather than sniffed as there was so much in his blood. Other common drugs not detected. We discussed various matters with Mr Cotter. He praised the proposed letters to Bryn and John and vetoed that to Alex Johnson. He made a strong point that as Crown Court proceedings now appeared likely, we had to be seen in the role of victims, not as pursuers of Johnson. After leaving Mr.Cotter in Walsall we drove to Mellisa (Mo's) lodging's in Pershore Road, Birmingham known as "The Palace". I've asked her to tell the police all she knows. Mo said that as I hadn't made up my mind whether or not I was going to contact her parents, she wouldn't see me, so Pam and Sally went in. I sat in the car in the road that leads to Philip's lodgings, wrote and walked around. Odd how one feels Philip lives. There is a Baptist church nearby. Stickers say "Jesus Lives" 4th August Pam woke crying. She is frantic and miserable. I dreamt of Philip. He looked like a smaller Alex Johnson and miserable. I put my arms around him and told him we loved him. Pam is crying now as she irons my shirt. Yesterday upset her. She didn't ask Mo all she wanted to. August - Undated The story of Phil arriving home from the Guild of Students appears to have been orchestrated. Mark told us that Phil fell asleep on John's bed and was carried to his own. When I spoke to his parents, they had been told that Phil was found collapsed on the top of the stairs, James' parents had heard likewise. Do they feel so guilty for not calling an ambulance? WE DON'T CARE. WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. And why did they call Alex Johnson on his mobile at 3.55am? Why didn't they tell the police? 11th August Jonathan rang Philip's bank today. It is about 20 weeks now. I begin to feel better. On Friday 11th August I want to have the garden nice for when Philip comes back. 11th August A few days before he died, the man coming to collect his damaged car asked if he could use the toilet. Philip said yes, then remembering there was no toilet paper, bounded after him, shouting "Is it number one or number two's?" 12th August Pam dreamt about Phil last night, the first time. She heard the phone ring and his footsteps- a long stride, behind her, as he went to answer it. That's all. I was in the garden Friday night. It will be nice to get it right for when he comes back. 17th August I think I see why I could not persuade Philip to keep a diary and send me details of how he spent his time at Birmingham, even in return for money as an incentive. Philip didn't want his Birmingham friends to come to his 21st celebration. We understand. He said "they wouldn't fit in." 18th August I put the radio on in the car for the first time today and played French tapes. It was six weeks before we had turned on the kitchen radio again, twelve weeks before the television. It was about then that I remember our first joke, or at least our first humour, a rather feeble misunderstanding between 'Pinewood' and a 'Pile of wood'. 19th August At first there was a rush to empty Phil's room, now we dare not touch it. Pam said she looked at his room today without a 'stab'. She then woke in the middle of the night with dread panic that we would grow old and he wouldn't recognise us. 21st August I found a name, Jennings, with an address and telephone number, 01895 237 890, that I didn't recognise. So I rang it. They remembered. It was the garage that had repaired Philip's Peugeot, damaged two weeks before he died, that he never saw repaired. I am glad he knew it was insured and was going to be repaired. Natasha had enthused "It'll come back bigger and better. We won't tell the others." I am sorry I did not talk to him about it. How I regret saying, when we decided not to go and see him after the car accident, "let him sweat a little". 22nd August 23 weeks now. I dreamt that Philip had come back. He was very young in a blue school blazer that was too big for him. He was grinning. I took him to meet Pam and he held my hand, dropping it as we passed someone in the corridor, grimacing and half catching it after. Intense joy. Pam in the classroom was a bit cold and Philip disappeared. I think I saw him run off. I thought I saw him hiding in a clothes locker but it was another boy. We searched in long streets to no avail. I completed a Patient Registration Form for the nearby Elliot Hall doctors clinic. Pam asked if I could take Philip's place. Initially they had told her that they were not accepting new registrations for people living locally but "reserving them for people moving into the area". When I told Dr. Regunnathan that I wanted to change from his list I asked him about his Guru and he lent me a book, Sai Baba, Man of Miracles. 23rd August Over five months later I still get a shocked incredulous reaction at the realisation that Philip is dead. 28th August I feel I don't know anybody. The bank holiday by ourselves is nasty. 29th August We are much worse. Pam's crying more and I have a stomach (or sort of) pain again. I think it's from the need to telephone Mark, John, Bryn and Mo. Philip chose curious friends and housemates. 2nd September I do not like locking the front door, pushing the bolt to. It is like locking Philip out. Each time I say "We are not locking you out Philip, because you are in our hearts for ever". September - various dates The University showed great sympathy when they first learned of Philip's death. We had four official letters. The Dean of the Faculty of Law wrote on Monday, within forty eight hours of his body being found. "I am writing to express my great sorrow in learning of the tragic events concerning your son, Philip. It is a terrible thing to have happened to someone of his age who had so much to look forward to. I know only too well that there is little which I can usefully say which can help his immediate family to come to terms with this tragedy. None the less I wished to write on behalf of the Faculty of Law to express our sorrow and sense of loss. Please do not hesitate to contact us if we can help in any way." The Vice Chancellor and Principal, Professor Sir Michael Thompson, on the following day, wrote a top and tailed letter. "I and my colleagues here were all very shocked when we heard of the sudden and tragic death of your son and I wanted to write on behalf of the University to send our very deepest sympathy to you. This will be an enormous blow for you and it has distressed us greatly here. He was well liked by the staff who taught him and by his fellow students in the Faculty of Law, and we had looked forward to seeing him through to his degree. He will be greatly missed." On Thursday 23rd March Professor Feldman, the Barber Professor of Jurisprudence, sent a hand written letter. "It was a great shock to learn of Philip's death. There is nothing one can say or do which can be of any comfort to you in such circumstances, but, for what it is worth, my thoughts are with you and your family. Many people in the Faculty- colleagues and students- share with you a profound sense of loss. In that respect, at least, you are not alone, and the knowledge that many people have fond memories of Philip may help. If there is anything I can do to help at the Birmingham end, please do not hesitate to contact me" Professor Feldman came to the funeral. Mr Meisel wrote in early April. "I have just returned from teaching in Mauritius and learned the sad news about Philip- (the fax from the faculty advising me never found its way to me or I would have contacted you sooner) Please will you accept my condolences. I was Philip's personal tutor and would wish to express my own sadness at these events. I understand that you will be visiting the faculty on Friday. Regrettably, I shall be away from the faculty on that day but if you would like an opportunity to discuss things with me, please do not hesitate to contact me." In the week after Philip's death we called on the University. They treated us with consideration and offered what material comforts they could, a meal in the staff dining room and the offer of accommodation in the University's campus hotel. But we preferred to drive home. I am sure that the quiet courtesy shown by everyone we met reflected an inner sympathy. It was not until later, when we wanted the university to pursue policies that would lesson the likelihood of our son's tragedy being re-enacted, that differences appeared and the empathy lessened. We knew little of Philip's last night. He had gone to the University campus and spent the evening in the Guild of Students. After a row with Philip, Natasha had left the Guild with a girlfriend Gillian. Later, he had arrived home at the house he shared with four other students. At least two of them were awake but the inarticulate mumblings they first gave concerning Philip's return, conflicted with the clear story given a few days later by Mark who had been asleep on his return. None of Philip's close friends could help us piece together his last movements with certainty - 'I only saw him in the toilet' ; 'I don't know how he got back, I presume he walked'. Partly for our own satisfaction, and partly to assist the police, who by this time had told us that a man had been interviewed in connection with giving drugs to Philip, we asked the University if we could display posters of Philip, asking for information to be given to the police. The university registrar agreed to this when we emphasised the approval of the police but was emphatic that the distribution of the posters had to be in the hands of the University. No students ever responded. At the same meeting we also asked if an announcement could be made at lectures along the following lines. "As you may be aware, third year law student Philip Davies died on the night of Friday 17th March after taking a drug. He had spent that night in the Guild and was found the next day in his room in Bournbrook Road. If anyone believes that they may have information to help the enquiry, please contact either one of the following: D.C.Mike Boyle at Belgrave Road Police station (off Bristol Rd., Nr McDonalds), or Sarah Mortimer of the Guild of Students" This request was not welcome and was partially agreed to unwillingly. Telephone calls were necessary to prevent it being limited to a few lectures and I doubt whether many students heard the announcement. The Law Faculty probably did co-operate in letting most students hear the plea for help. The reason for the reluctance is unclear, the ostensible reason being a frequently repeated statement that it "was unsuitable in an academic context." Our next point of difference was a letter of re-assurance we wanted from the University. My other son, Jonathan, had been asking Philip's friends about the use and supply of drugs within the university and receiving little assistance. Assuming that students reticence and denials of any detailed personal knowledge of drug use (although agreeing that drugs were widely used) arose from anxiety as to the effects on their academic careers of any information they might offer, we asked if the University would supply the following letter. Re Philip Davies Strictly confidential to the above enquiry The University expects all members to co-operate fully with the police inquiry into the death of Philip Davies. Whist the inquiry can not be totally withdrawn from the context of the University, it is an external matter. I hereby assure you that no disciplinary record will be created where a member of the University, in the course of the inquiry, admits to past possession or consumption of drugs. The Registrar of the University, would not agree to the sentence in italics and it was altered to; "I hereby assure any member of the University co-operating with the police that any information he or she passes to the police in connection with their inquiries will be treated as confidential by the police." I found it difficult to understand why the University wanted to reduce the efficacy of the letter in this way because as latter discussion revealed the University's approach was dominated by two factors. 1. They were anxious that drugs were not sold or consumed on University premises. They claimed that the premises of the Students Guild although an integral part of the campus, were not "University premises" 2. After bearing 1. above in mind their overwhelming concern was that the civil rights of their students should not be infringed. For example, I tentatively suggested that the parents of students who I knew to be taking drugs should be informed. They feared the University might be sued if there was any suggestion that the University had made available the addresses of students' parents, "who are nearly all adults of over eighteen whose rights we must respect." Raves, were and are, widely advertised in the university with posters that make coded references to the availability of drugs. The university again was not willing to take any steps to prevent such publicity. In the second half of 1995 I exchanged three letters with Mr. Holmes, Secretary and Registrar of the University of Birmingham. The police had told me that the University were enquiring into the availability of drugs within the University campus. I wrote on the 28th June. "Dear Mr. Holmes I understand that the University is holding an enquiry into the use of drugs among undergraduates and others. Following the death of my son, Philip after taking a drug at the Guild Building I have a natural interest in this enquiry as well as some knowledge of the matter. I would be grateful if you would tell me what action the University is taking and let me know if I can be of any assistance whatsoever." The reply was dated 6th July; "Thank you for your letter of 28 June. As I am sure you are aware, the University takes the problem of drug usage very seriously and a lot of measures have been in place for some years- such as the briefing of staff (especially those in University residences) about tell-tale signs, a code for the handling of suspicious or evidence of usage, (sic) liaison with the police about action by them and/or disciplinary action by us, and the availability of the Student Support and Counselling Service which gives considerable help in this area. There is nothing new in all this, though our measures are always under review and a new development is the introduction of a drugs awareness and educational campaign arranged in collaboration with the Guild of Students, for the start of the new Session in October. In one sense, therefor, we always have an eye to the situation from the point of view of our legal obligations as well as that of pastoral care. But if you refer to a specific enquiry I am afraid I cannot help because I know of none. (my italics) I hope this helps to clarify the situation." This letter upset me. The police had told me that complaints had been received as to the activities of an "Alex" (no surname) selling drugs on campus, six months before Philip died. The only new initiative mentioned by Mr. Holmes was one in collaboration with the Guild of Students and the approach of the Guild can perhaps best be judged from one of their Rag Publications: "Pharmacology and Therapeutics Lecture 69 Drugs which are commonly abused Alcohol- Obtained from Bars and Public Houses. Taken orally, normal dose varies between 5 and 10 pints. Most commonly prescribed is Newcastle Brown Ale, trade name 'Dog'. Acts centrally by inhibiting acceptable behaviour. Above the therapeutic range the Chemoreceptor Trigger Zone may produce a vomiting response. Side effects include frequenting Curry houses in the Selly Oak area, sleeping with people you wouldn't spit on when you were sober, singing Rugby songs and saying embarrassing things. Also Willie droop Syndrome may be observed in the badly affected. Cannabis- Trade name 'Ganja'. Usually bought from dubious individuals called 'Dave' and smoked at Selly Oak Lawyers Parties. Acts f*****g brilliantly with an increased tendency to laugh at things which aren't funny. Ecstasy- Trade name 'Acciiieeeeed'. Only taken when dancing to crap music. Acts by inhibiting the 'Music Taste Centre' in the Hypthalamus. It was first used to enable Record Store users to work for long periods of time while listening to Kylie Minoque singles. Cocaine- Taken nasally. Produces an euphoric effect of making you forget how much you paid for it. Acts on the 'Crack' receptor in the CNS. Side effects- Spending lots of money in a short time, e.g., a term's grant in a week-end. Heroin- Trade name 'Smack'. Taken by prats. Acts by knocking five shades of shot out of your CNS. Makes you think you can do anything you want to do, including giving it up. Side effects- being arrested, being cremated. 4th September I remember the shock, for Pam in particular, of seeing Philip in a coffin. And how I worried about the coffin having a chipboard base. All chipboard really, I think. It takes time to have a really nice coffin made. And how Pam and I hesitated and asked for photographs to be taken. Much better to have a man in a suit you didn't have to call by his Christian name. He told me that in Ireland his family had a plot where there was room for them all to be buried close together. I must have been reminded of all this by the man at the cemetery who has lost three of his four children. Two are buried in Pinner new cemetery with Philip. He spoke cheerfully of the ground settling as the coffin gave way. Mr. Slagmuylder whose wife died two years ago and lies close was upset by this. He mentioned it to me afterwards. He had not thought of it before. I hate the thought of earth around Philip's mouth. The Old Haberdashers magazine came. Obituaries are on pages five to twenty. Philip is there. It made me cry. Not much about him. There's no hint of drugs, I'm not sure whether that's by design or not. Jonathan wrote most of it and the editor added the last sentence. "Philip W. DAVIES (1980-91)- Philip died suddenly, as the result of respiratory failure whilst asleep during the night of 17th March 1995. At the time of the tragedy he was living an active life in Birmingham where he was in the third year of his degree course in Law. His family would like to express their gratitude to the many friends from his days at the School who either wrote or attended his funeral service. Their support has been invaluable in helping them to come to terms with such a devastating loss. Philip's parents are presently compiling a book about his life and any contributions would be gladly welcomed. We would wish to add the Association's condolences on the tragic event, with the hope that the passage of the past months has helped to ease the family's unexpected and tragic loss." Shortly after Philip's death I walked past the kitchen window and thought 'in a few years he will be forgotten'. There's a Jamie Rumble Fund and a Jo Daynes Fund. What shall we do for Philip? 7th September Natasha told Pam she was going out with some of Phil's old schoolfriends. They rang her later and told her they were not going. Natasha called round next morning at the house of one of them and they were all there. They had been out. They were all very 'woosey'. They explained they had told her they were not going out as they thought she wouldn't like them taking ecstasy. Pam thought Phil would be amused at our nearly being locked in the park this evening. He would certainly like the Birmingham Magistrates Court's telephonist thinking I was Alex Johnson when I phoned today to check the date of the next hearing. But Pam was upset when she heard the word "wicked" on T.V. 8th September I didn't know until today that Philip is buried with an earring in his left lobe. Pam told me. I told Pam to buy and use more of the lemon meringue. Philip's favourite although I didn't know so when he was alive. 9th September Odd that Andrew should say at the funeral, "It would surprise you if Philip reached up". He would have started at Chester Law College, Monday last. 11th September I was driving to Manor Lodge School, or perhaps it was Joanna's, thinking "I'm glad my parents don't know about my misery," suddenly sensed, "my mother does know" and felt strengthened; not less miserable but different and stronger. Mid September 95 Sally heard on the radio a reference to Mark, D.J.ing in Vauxhall. 15th September No progress at the new hearing in Birmingham, just case administration. It was a small court and I had to sit next to Alex as we waited. He has cut off his ponytail. Afterwards I saw D.C. Boyle who was worried about my loss of weight. 21st September D.C.Boyle came today to take a statement from Jonathan. He stayed and had lunch with us. Afterwards I drove him round to Julie's parents' house for him to take a statement from her about what Philip had told her. Pam told me later that she felt an initial revulsion when Boyle arrived, as if the sinister fantasy scenario of Philip's death had suddenly become tangible in our own home. Why should the dates in the sales files be so painful? Especially those around 1980 when Philip was seven or so. September - undated I do not understand the world in which Philip had lived in Birmingham. Philip's friends there rapidly formed a defensive group and, with the odd exception, denied to ourselves and to the police that they had any detailed knowledge of drug dealing or recreational drug use within their circle. Natasha has told the police all she knows and as a result has gradually been ostracised by the group. One of them, Mo, actually wrote to Natasha three to four weeks after Philip's death, protesting at the efforts that my son Jonathan was making to elucidate the circumstances surrounding his brother's death and complaining about the posters we had distributed, asking for information. She gave as one reason that Philip would not wish it. Dear Natasha, Before you start reading this letter, I want to remind you of what good friends we've been. Since last summer when you and Phil started to come round the Palace, especially after a good night out, I really got to enjoy your company more and more and I really don't want to lose you as a friend. It's for this reason that I'm writing you this letter Tash. What is going on? When Phil died, the first thing that everyone, and I mean everyone, thought was about you and no one could possibly imagine how tragic things must have been on his death. It's at times like these, when it seems like the bottom has collapsed from your world, that your friends will rally round, help you to be strong and slowly but surely, begin to pick up the pieces. We all love you Tash and it was ace when you came to stay at the Palace and we had our chance to help you in whatever small way we could. This is true of all your friends in Birmingham Tasha- or at least it was. Lately, I've been hearing terrible stories from a number of different sources about a campaign to get Alex locked up. I've just spoken to Tony who tells me you're against Phil's family interviewing people at the Guild etc., so if that's true, I don't need to say what I'm going to but I just don't know what to do for the best. Everyone is so screwed up over this and I just don't want to see any of my friends, you or Phil's family suffer more than they already are. Can you imagine what all this is doing to Phil's family? They must be hurting badly and so confused. They know nothing about our way of life in Birmingham and you do, you know the score. Therefore, it's down to you to help and console them, to comfort them and to stop them going ahead with this terrible plan which will hurt everyone (including themselves) so much. Jonathan (Philip's brother) is already ripping himself to pieces, trying to find a snatch of information from one of us that will lead to a conviction, but constantly coming up against brick walls. We all know the reason he's getting nowhere is that it isn't what Phil would have wanted- I know that you wouldn't be able to pick up the 'phone and call me and say with a clear conscience that anyone pushed Phil into it. No one is responsible for Phil's death and you know that. Phil loved doing gear. He loved it as much or more than any of us. He loved Crunch and legging it around and he loved coming back to the palace for morning sessions. You loved it too Tasha, this is why I can't believe people are trying to blame someone else. We all dabble in a dangerous game- Phil pushed it too far but he did it of his own accord. You know me Tash and you know I'm not as close to Alex as I am to you or was to Phil and that I'm not writing this letter for him. It's for me and Tony, Sarah and Gill, Mark and John and all the other people who have been torn apart by what's happened but who know the real truth- that no one is to blame- and who want to be able to get on with their lives and let Phil rest in peace. Just try to imagine how awful it would be to see posters of Phil all over the Guild and the state of his family outside. Everyone has bravely decided to stay at college and take their finals- you included- how is dragging up all the pain again going to help them or you? Maybe I should have kept...... my nose out of this but I want you to know I'm doing this as your friend. Things must be so bloody hard for you Tasha but Phil's family need to know the whole and real truth and you are in a far better position to tell them than any of us. Please consider what I've said. We are all confused, upset, angry and a million other emotions and once this is over, we can once again join forces, be strong and help each other through. I hope this letter has been of some help. I'm at my Mum and Dad's 'till the middle of next week so if you want to chat, I've put their no. at the bottom. I'm sorry if I've done the wrong thing but I had to do something. All my love This girl, Mo, was of high self esteem. She was proud of her academic abilities and expected to get a good degree, at least a 2:1. I had several telephone conversations and my wife and daughter called on her. The police interviewed her and carried out one raid in the early morning, according to her, seven policeman breaking down the door. She was in bed and most indignant. The policeman who interviewed her and was present at the raid, D.C. Boyle, in fact appeared to like her. He simply thought her misguided. My telephone conversations were devoted to attempting to persuade her to tell the police who had been supplying drugs to students in Birmingham. She was not willing to do this. I attempted to put pressure on her by saying that I would tell her parents of her life style, if she did not co-operate with the police. This was not solely an attempt to force her hand. I wish someone had told me of my son's liking for drugs. Mo appeared most unhappy at the idea that I would involve her parents but not unhappy enough to help the police. She told my daughter and wife when they called that she had used ecstasy and cocaine and had continued to take drugs after Philip died. She told me on the telephone, "I've taken drugs since I was seventeen. It's done me no harm....it's not some hideous thing. What we do is a generally accepted thing that does us no harm at all....it's a very social thing. If you had taken drugs Mr. Davies, dare I suggest, you would understand". She was protective towards her parents and rather than have me upset them, telephoned her father and complained that I was harassing her. He, who seemed to be a reasonable man, telephoned me and asked me not to contact his daughter. He did not want her name besmirched. To some extent of course Mo was anxious not to be involved with the police. But also, she felt righteous indignation that as a member of a beleaguered minority who had discovered a better way of living, she and her friends were being persecuted by people who simply failed to understand how the world had changed. Alex Johnson was a friend, not a close friend but a group member who should be defended. Mark, one of the flatmates explained that "Phil and Alex were best friends...it wasn't just drugs...I know Phil would not want Alex to have any repercussions from this...where do your loyalties lie?" It seems that Mark's concept of loyalty to Philip included suppressing knowledge that he had of how Philip obtained the drugs that caused his death. 22nd September A ski brochure has arrived at home today. Did Philip really say he was too frightened to go skiing again? I remember the moment on the beach. In Norfolk I think when I felt great love for the little boy of two. It was a sun burst for me. I think it was Jonathan but I'm not sure. I remember the moment against the sea wall as the sun set over the Mediterranean and the four children and I sat, just warm enough in the last rays, wrapped in harmony. I remember the fire Philip lit in the waste paper basket in his room at the Hotel Phoenicia, just outside Valletta by the buses. The staff were very good, admonishing him outside my hearing until I insisted on knowing what it was about. He was only twelve. It was the last time he would hold my hand. I remember being surprised that he wanted to go for a ride in a horse drawn buggy. The head waiter called him "The young master". I remember the wallet he found and we returned somehow. He found it on a warm night in a gutter. There was an aquarium type shop near by. Was he interested in fish as early as that? I remember how helpless the Vicar was, saying he would call and often not doing so. Asking, "Shall I stay?" - Starting the washing up and having, for our peace of mind, to be asked to leave. His aversion to physical contact; I contrast it to the simple hug I had from Stubbs after his sermon. A man that I had not met before. I could even feel embarrassed sprinkling water on the coffin at the end of the service, not knowing quite how to do it. I have a very clear picture of Henry Guy taking Communion in the church at the end of the funeral. Trevor Copley did so for the first time. His wife was pleased. 26th September I dreamt about Philip last night - just briefly. I was sitting on a sofa next to him. He was slightly surprised; I knew he was dead. We put our arms round each other. He's much taller than me. I said, "we should have wrestled, you're stronger than me." And we did a little and lay on the floor for a while with our arms round each other. It was in the lounge at home but the sofa backed on to the fireplace. I cried again in the morning; sobbed really, as I did in bed yesterday. "How can people who have no hope of the resurrection, cope?," I asked Pam. She is more composed.