May Me, crying at the graveside, hugging Natasha, "it's such a beautiful world" I find it difficult to understand how Natasha can put jelly babies on the grave, "they're Philip's favourites," leave a balloon there, and smoke by the grave. But I like the idea of a candle left to burn overnight. As we sat by the grave I asked Natasha what Philip thought about drugs. "He said drugs should be used, not abused" Natasha is upset about the delay in calling the ambulance. The ambulance men tried to revive Philip even though he'd been dead some time. "Do they always do that?" We were at the grave, Sally, Pam, me, Jonathan, Natasha and a girl called Lucy. Pam, Natasha and I were huddled at the top left hand corner, crying. Natasha said, "I don't want him to become just a memory." On the landing at home Pam repeated it to Sally, who said, "it's inevitable" and apologised. Philip had told Natasha that he took his first ecstasy tablet two weeks before his A levels. He thought he was being cautious, leaving plenty of time to recover. He didn't mess up his exams. Others did. We've all put our clocks forward for summer time. All apart from Phil, so we did it for him. June June 5 - Philip's acceptance at Chester Law school has come through. Distraught but pleased. Was it Philip's first time? How much does 1.3mg look like? How quickly did he collapse? Seeing your child in their coffin alters you forever. No anticipation. I can't cope with any other conversation but I delight in hearing about other disasters. Philip's 'A to Z' book is now going to be used by Jonathan. I think of his decomposition. It is a betrayal to return to places from before his death. Natasha brought round a letter. She had been pregnant with Philip's child; aborted. She could not face telling Pam so sat in front of her whilst she read the letter. Uncontrollable crying interspersed with yawning.