2nd January I can now put him in a position in my mind so I can for a short time focus on something else. That is the best I can do at the moment. People often say "he is at peace now". When the vicar said this at the funeral Pam thought, 'he isn't supposed to be at peace, he's supposed to be doing his exams'. 6th January There is a card on Philip's grave: "Philip You never went out of my heart And never will Sonya" I wonder who Sonya is? January - Undated When Philip was working in the library of Gouldens solicitors in his last summer he told me "I want to be filthy rich". I was pleased. It seemed an innocent enough ambition and the tone of his voice was witty. Pam thinks it may have been the partners cars he saw down in the basement. Philip liked cars. I hope he wasn't thinking of trading in drugs. I found in his room a very old article from the Telegraph magazine about an Oxbridge graduate, Howard Marks, who dealt in cannabis and made a fortune before going to prison. I often told Philip how the ideal upbringing was lots of attention and no money. And that freedom was the ability to do the things one didn't want to do. 11th January I forgot that today is my mother's birthday. Jonathan says his memory has worsened and wonders if it's due to the shock, he keeps on having to look up the names of work colleagues. Pam dreads the next few months. She relives the early months. She didn't realise the pain. She remembers, how after we began to eat, there was a few minutes respite while eating. January - various dates It began to dawn on me that the University attitude was to say nothing, do nothing and let as few people as possible know of Philip's death. Two weeks after he died, the Registrars' office had cautiously telephoned the Guild President and enquired "do you know anything about a Philip Davies?" Clearly, if she did not already know the details, she said, she was not going to be told. A brief reference to Philip's death and the prevalence of drug taking at the university, in the July 15th edition of the Birmingham Evening Mail, included a response from Frank Albrighton, the Director of Public Affairs; "There is no evidence that this university has a bad record as far as drugs is concerned" I sent a second letter to Mr. Holmes Mr Holmes replied with a long conciliatory letter. However, I had asked five questions. 1. Will you hold an enquiry into my son's death? He replied "We for our part have only hearsay evidence and it would in our view be neither proper nor profitable to conduct any kind of enquiry on this basis " 2. Will you consider banning the promotion on University premises of a particular rave club where hard drugs are consumed ? The reply to this was "While we cannot control entry to the campus, we are working with the Guild of Students- who are at one with us on this- to try to ensure that these events are not marketed within the University. We may not succeed entirely, but I am sure our efforts will have effect." Months later this club was still advertising in the Guild of students. 3. Would you ask a particular named tutor how much she knows about the sale of cannabis in the Guild and tell me what action you propose to take? [This tutor had told a student that she knew you could buy cannabis at the Guild] No specific reply was made to this question apart from, "Police action on the events (the raves) themselves would, of course, be of considerable help. The same applies to our combined efforts to prevent the independent sale of drugs on University premises, though I repeat that the practical difficulties of control are considerable". 4. I have a list of about sixteen people (mostly students) who frequent the campus, who have been or who are drug users and/or minor dealers. If I forward this list to you what steps will you take? The indirect answer was that they didn't want to know- "I am sure it would be sensible for you to provide the information to the Police who can advise us if they think that there are matters with which we can and should deal." 5. I feel it would be a useful step if you would give a formal letter to all new students arriving at the University this October warning them of the dangers of drugs. I would be happy if you included an explicit reference to my son's death if you wished. Do you agree? There was no reply to this suggestion, rather an elucidation of several fairly standard procedures such as drugs awareness sessions for staff, a lunchtime exhibition during the second week of term, a 'roadshow' visiting Halls of Residence during the second week etc. I wrote one last letter to Mr Holmes to try and press my points. Mr Holmes was becoming rather tired of the correspondence. His next letter suggested that his patience was becoming exhausted. "As I have said, we do understand your concern, but there is inevitably a point beyond which I cannot reasonably be expected to continue with explanation. I will, however, ensure that a copy of the next issue of "Campus Watch" is sent to you." The next edition of "Campus Watch" was not sent but I could see no point in persevering. 14th January I remember lighting a bonfire and thinking "it's no use waiting for Philip- he won't come (or be interested)" 15th January Natasha said that the Sonya who had left flowers on Philip's grave was a girl, keen on Philip, who used to keep going to his room in Mason Hall. 18th January The Guild of Students building in Birmingham still has posters advertising raves. One, organised by "Substance" has a reference to "hydrophonics". I wonder if that is an allusion to hydroponics. Newspapers often carry reports of arrests for growing cannabis hydroponically. 20th January Pam heard on the radio "who would want a pizza cutter." She laughed. We found a mysterious object in Philip's room and took it to the police station thinking it a drug taking aid, only to have it identified as a pizza cutter. I said to Jonathan on the phone yesterday "where are you?". He told me it reminded him what I first said on the telephone ten months ago, "Where are you?" I still say "Philip" when I mean "Jonathan", I even start typing "Phi" When Philip was alive my confusion with names used to irritate Pam, now she finds it comforting. 21st January I don't want to go to heaven if Philip's not there. Is that a sinful thought? 22nd January I found Philip's driving licence which expires in 2043. I can't believe that Philip has just ceased to exist. That all is oblivion for him, now and for ever. That life is meaningless. 23rd January Pam said that with time things shift. At first we felt most pain at Philip's loss of life. Now we see it more through our eyes. I do not know that is true of me. Natasha's mother told me that when she rang the University on Monday 20th March to say that Natasha wouldn't be in because someone had died the Dean's very first reaction was to question aloud, "I wonder if it was the boy whose parents I wrote to about his poor exam results? Has he killed himself?" I don't see why this is discreditable to the Dean. He may just have the matter on his mind. But the inference was that he was simply anxious about his own position. Sally bought a birthday card for Pam with flowers, poppies, on it. Pam asked me "do they have any significance for you?" All I could think of was "Flanders." Pam laughed, and said "Opium, that should make Philip laugh" 29th January Nearly fifty years ago I saw Brighton Rock. Walking along Pinner Road back to her house, I said to Veronica Humphries "the only hope for me is to get in with a bad lot." She didn't like that. What I meant aged, fifteen or sixteen, was that I would become hard and capable, like seventeen year old, Pinkie. Is that how Philip felt? I told him he tended to do what I would have liked to do but was too timid. He found unsuitable friends exciting and described worthy people as boring. Did he see the minor Pinkies at Birmingham as people who would allow his personality to grow and expand? 5th February Pamela's father's birthday today and my father's tomorrow. They would be eighty five and ninety six. They died too soon but I guess 1996 was always likely to be out of their reach. I'm typing out pencil scrawled on the back of an envelope and dated 27th December 1995. "I have gone mad. My life is a struggle till the break of day, so that Philip's will be spared. Genesis. Yet to think this, is an escape as well. The struggle is unavoidable, but if consciously entered into, will ease my remaining life." 7th February Today is the 7th February. Yesterday was my father's birthday and the day before was Granddad's, Pam's father's. Yesterday I pretended to spit toothpaste over the banisters at Sally. This morning Pam made a joke noise to activate an electric light bulb that's sound sensitive. Neither of us would have done that a month ago. This is what people mean by "getting over it." But this morning in my office I sat listening to a computer salesman and visualised Philip, making up a fourth at the desk we were sitting around. For God, all things are possible. 8th February I cried walking round the park with the dog last night. Sat on the bench outside Parkside Football Club, sobbing in the darkness. 10th February There's a lot of different Philips in different situations in my memories. I let go of one and feel the pain. Then he is back again. Philip used to sink below the water in the bath. I did not like that. He was the child I didn't take swimming. He was too young when we went with our friends the Gallachers and I didn't take him later. He liked swimming. 12th February It is almost a year since we saw Philip last, a rather nice lunch in a restaurant of his choice with a pint or perhaps a half pint of beer each, sitting in a half secluded semi circle close to steps to a different level. And then a walk around the miserable piece of ground at the top of Bournbrook Road with goodbye outside no.146. Philip was rather withdrawn as we left and I felt a little sad. It was a cold day. In Switzerland, a week later I saw some people with flowers in the crypt of a Monastery. Pam and I had gone to listen to the monks chanting. I thought it was a good way to bury people. I didn't think that within a month we would be putting Philip in a hole in the ground. 13th February Natasha came for a meal; Just she, Pam and me in the kitchen. Natasha said that on the evening of Saturday,18th March her mother had telephoned Philip's house and she was telling her mother that Philip had died from heroin when Bryn had reached from behind her and cut the telephone off, demanding, panic stricken, "Who are you talking to. Who are you telling that?" 19th February A few days ago I was in bed saying my prayers. I had been reading about Sai Baba. As I said them I received red and yellow pictures of exotic flowers, rather asparagus looking in type, in pillars, preceded by dark red swirls. They formed as I started each prayer. Curious. Last night I dreamt about Philip. He was in a building, half way up on the left hand pavement, looking up the south side of Harrow on the Hill. I feel he was on the first floor of the building. It was dark. I think I was with someone else. He came out, crossed the road and disappeared along a downward sloping path a hundred yards or so up the hill. A tall, rangy figure, dimly seen, with a flash of whitish shirt, as he glanced back. Pam cried at supper. She thought of her last letter to Philip being delivered, dropping through the letter box on that Saturday morning, with him inside, lying upstairs, already dead. 29th February It is a very difficult time now. It may be the approach of spring. It may be the advancing anniversary. There are more tears now. I hate seeing bulbs come through, I hate not seeing post for Phil, I hate snow on the grave, I hate hearing about other peoples' problems being sorted out. I remember reading long before Philip died "that drugs and corruption will spread out of the ghetto and kill your children". I suspect that I found the concept, even though it was in a U.S. setting, exciting, but only so because I felt quite secure. It would not affect my children. I have sent a little note to Emma Barber's parents. It must be very near her anniversary. The graves look dishevelled this time of year. 7th March Natasha and her father saw Professors Feldman and Miller and Mr. Holmes. Her mother told me they were hostile to an essay competition in commemoration of Philip: "not appropriate", "Students shouldn't be asked to write about drugs". I remember the expression "not appropriate" was repeatedly used when we asked to have announcements made at lectures pleading for students to tell what they knew about Philip's death. 9th March We had a little card from the Barbers. I cried at breakfast. 10th March Pam cried when she saw Philips's big white plimsolls/trainers lying in the porch where Jonathan had left them. I would have thought them too big for Jonathan to wear. James' mother sent a card saying that we were in her thoughts. Nice woman. 14th March Every time Johnson replied "not guilty" to the charges, he swallowed. Amazing facts appear in Court. The recent change in housing benefit means a house is kept empty, with the rent paid while the designated occupant is in prison, for 13 weeks only. Previously it was one year. A barrister in one case used this to argue for the earlier release of his client. When we got home there was a big post. I thought they were commiseration letters. It is only 4 days to the 18th. But they were Sally's wedding invitation replies. I have always thought that a 13 month year with the first, eighth, fifteenth and twenty second, being Mondays would be a good idea. I'm not so sure I want the eighteenth to always be a Saturday. 17th March We all went to the cemetery together. Would Philip want the laurels? Would he want the memorial candlelight (which, to Philips undoubted amusement, we bought in the Jewish delicatessen shop) on the grave, or at home, or at all? We sang "Shine Jesus shine" at church but his name was read only on Saturday. 18th March Pam woke at 4.49am - was that the time he died? Sally was talking in the car about her wisdom teeth extraction. Philip was the only child with perfect teeth. March - various dates We believed that the full inquest was going to be soon after Philip's death and that we would need legal advice and possibly, representation. We wanted to know exactly how Philip had died and felt this would emerge at the Inquest. We also wanted the police to prosecute whoever was responsible for supplying the drugs that it was now obvious had been widely used by Philip and his friends. It was also becoming apparent, particularly to my son Jonathan, that we were being deliberately misled by some when we asked about life at Birmingham University. So we prepared a summary and sent it off to solicitors who mentioned drugs and criminal activities in the trade directory, the Legal 500. Summary "Philip Davies, a law student at the University of Birmingham, aged twenty one, died in the early hours of Saturday, 18th March, after an evening spent in the Guild Building (Students Union). We believe he was given diamorphine by a Birmingham graduate Alex Johnson. Philip was a fairly regular smoker of cannabis since school days with occasional use of ecstasy. Since September 1994 this seems to have been substantially replaced by the taking of cocaine about once a fortnight. We believe he had never knowingly taken heroin before. We understand that he had once taken methadone, this being the week before his death. We seek a firm of solicitors for the following two purposes: 1. To recommend and instruct a barrister to represent Philip's family at the inquest, and to assist generally with the inquest, the date of which is not yet known. Mr. Clive Townsend is our contact at the Coroner's Court, Newton Street, Birmingham B4 6NF. 2. To assist Philip's family help the police in obtaining and assembling evidence which the police can present to the Crown Prosecution Service, in the hope that they will decide that they have sufficient evidence to bring a successful prosecution against Johnson who has been bailed to return to Belgrave Road Police Station on 30th May 1995. Our contact at the Police Station is D.C. Mike Boyle." This summary was posted to several firms of solicitors and phone calls were made to arrange for my son Jonathan and I to discuss matters with them. We went once or twice to a slightly sinister Offenbach & Co. and to a rather more cheerfully sinister, Breeze, Benton. My son's letter to Breeze, Benton & Co. was typical. "We confirm our appointment at 11.30 a.m. on 3rd May to see any of your partners specialising in drug related criminal cases, if possible. I am available between 9a.m. and 1p.m. and after 4.30 p.m. if a change of appointment time is necessary. There follows a list of the main issues on which we may like to take legal advice." CASE OF PHILIP DAVIES OBJECTIVES ADVICE RE: CROWN PROSECUTION SERVICE AND INQUEST PROCEDURE ADVICE RE: OUR POSSIBLE COURSES OF ACTION SPECIFIC AREAS 1) INQUEST - the mechanics of the proceedings - the role and rights of the family - the collection of evidence and powers of the Coroner - the role of the police as agents to the Coroner - access to relevant information - inquest findings and their consequences - possibility of representation at inquest 2) CASE AGAINST DRUG SUPPLIER - potential charge - likelihood of successful conviction - role of family in facilitating collection of evidence - access to police evidence e.g. forensic - C.P.S procedure - press notification - reward for information - perverting the course of justice 3) OTHER REMEDIES - private prosecution process - civil remedies After the meeting I made a brief note to remind me. '3 o'clock with Mr. McLarty. Young chap, crumpled suit, terrible offices, very clear and intelligent'. The note could have been applied with little alteration to most of our other meetings. We had telephone conversations and interviews with various other firms of solicitors. I sought the advice of Neville Russell, our accountants at work, who recommended a firm of accountants in Birmingham. I had been taught at school by Merlyn Rees, now Lord Merlyn Rees. He put me in touch with his son Gareth, a barrister, who recommended several other firms. We were warned by someone not to instruct Kingsley Napley on the grounds that they may overcharge and indeed, they were the only firm to attempt to bill us for the initial interview in which we discussed employing them. Persuaded that it was probably better to employ a local firm we made arrangements to see solicitors in Birmingham. Our first contact Adie, Evans & Warner, said they could not act for us as they were already defending in a "high profile case involving drugs at the University of Birmingham." We never heard anything further of this case and assume that the University managed to contain any publicity. In an interview at another solicitor, the Partner told us that he had given his articled clerk the detailed outline of the position as we saw it. The articled clerk, a Birmingham graduate, said he recognised the names of the people mentioned as those from whom one could buy drugs. Eventually we settled on the recommendation of a Jill Tweedie of the charity Inquest, that had been conveyed to us via Gareth Rees. She said she had heard good reports of a firm called Addison, Cooper & Jesson, in Walsall. We called on the firm, liked Mr. Cotter, partly because he said he would withdraw after a couple of weeks if he didn't like the way we wanted to work, and instructed him to act for us. The fact that Mr Cotter was himself a coroner in Walsall was also influential. 'Inquest' is an interesting organisation. Funded mainly, if not entirely, by the London Boroughs Grants Committee it appears to aim at raising public awareness of the role of Coroners Courts, the rights of relatives of the deceased and to encourage support for the restriction, or at least, the codification of the powers of a coroner.