1st April Writing a letter to the reception venue about clearing up before the wedding, I thought, "We can get Philip to check that's been done." Jonathan says that when he phones home and it's engaged, he thinks instinctively, 'Bloody Phil'. 3rd April It's fine weather. Just like this time last year. Pam recalled Philip saying he didn't want to get old as so many sad things happened. I remember that when very young, he didn't like seeing bonfires flickering and die. 9th April It's been a difficult Easter both for Pam and me. Last year I suppose we were numbed by shock. We went to a funeral Thursday, Church Friday, Saturday and Sunday and to Philip's grave on Monday. How do you reconcile helping him with his CV one week and taking flowers to his grave the next? Natasha rang today. She had been to the cemetery in the morning. 25th April Cotter telephoned at 9.45 to tell me that the C.P.S had rung to tell him that we may not know the case was tomorrow. That was very good of the C.P.S. I had telephoned the court several times today. At 3 o'clock, listings still didn't know if the case would be heard tomorrow. I must give the Vicar a note to remind him to refer to Philip in his address or in the intercessions. What I would really like to do is to talk about Philip and my parents in the wedding speech. Sometimes I go a few minutes without thinking of him. Occasionally I feel the warm glow of love disconnected from pain. I remember a family meal with him up in Birmingham. There were helium balloons that we got to hover using teaspoons as a balancing weight. To our continuous amusement, they would drift along the table, every now and then eclipsing a face from view. A slight tilt of a spoon caused one balloon to be lost, shooting up to space, but Phil retrieved it using a 'rescue' balloon equipped with a hook made out of a damp napkin. Without Phil, that balloon might still be there. 1st May Every time there is a job for one of us to do at the wedding, we think of Philip. 3rd May We used to have a 'Confirmation of Return' list stuck on the porch door for Philip and Jonathan (and sometimes Sally) to tick off when they arrived home after a night out- 'Last one in locks up'. They used to put on their time of arrival, suspiciously always a little before one. I imagine that the boys got in later than that and Sally somewhat earlier. Remember when I found both boys asleep in separate cars in the driveway. Neither knew the other was there. Philip's legs were sticking out of the car. We had inadvertently locked them out. 5th May Pam has written a poem: Unendingly I mourn my precious son Too early yet this earthly home he left, Perfidious sleep confounded nature's order To leave his loves perpetually bereft. Those golden dreams and aspirations, The seed of yesterday a withered bloom, Those baubles which are cause to celebrate In death now mock us gently from his tomb. How treacherous death does steal on youth's exuberance, To wreak such havoc from the ecstasy of life, where once was only joy and future promise Tormented hearts endure eternal strife. 6th May Natasha came to lunch. Her mother is worried about her. Things remind her of Philip and she mentions them in conversation. She told us of Philip borrowing Johnson's suit to go to a lawyers affair. Philip's suit was at home here. I told Natasha how Johnson reminded Pam of Philip. They looked similar and had similar body movements. I think she didn't like that too much. Pam says she's been hit by waves of appalling grief and loneliness this past week. It is Sally's wedding next week but she only wants to be with Philip. She wonders whether she does now need help. 12th May At the wedding Pam was told, 'Only one more to go now'. We want to react but we try to stay composed. 25th May Odd details about Philip float into my mind all the time. Other thoughts sometimes overlie intrusively but the background remains undisturbed. Some are quite new thoughts that have never occurred to me before. But I do not write them down. Philip wanted the hedge between us and Bryanston to be much denser. Pam made a little joke today then winced and said "I don't really like jokes now- I don't do it very often" The dog took a pair of Philip's pants from the washing machine and tore them. It upset Pam. I have put them back in my wardrobe, but they are not really wearable or mendable. It will amuse Philip. 31st May A message awaited me on my desk from Elizabeth Pearce of the West Midlands police, Crown Court section. But it was only a call to tell me that the trial was fixed for 7th October and would I be available as a witness. 5th June I wrote back to the Gibbs. Their grief for their dead daughter, dead just the same time as Philip, seems unassuaged. I read that about 12,000 children under 19 die in Britain each year, is this possible? Natasha repeated for me how, at Sally's wedding she had seen Philip standing at the front of the church, near the altar and to one side, looking well in a grey suit. At first she thought it was Robert or Andrew, realised it was Philip, saw him for 5 or ten seconds, looked away and he was gone. He was looking around as if he was checking who was there and how it was going. She was about to say to Joanne, "look it's Philip", but didn't. 6th June I'm depressed today- it's seeing Natasha and oddly, her vision of Philip. Pam thinks it's just a quirk of her mind. She wants to see him, so she does. A letter came from a customer at work today. They had seen the piece in the Birmingham Evening Mail. It takes one close to tears. I am so sad that the last time I saw Philip he seemed sad. He turned away rather quickly as we drove off. I sit at my desk. It's lunch time. I love you my boy. I love you. Tears well below my eyes. The world is not entirely real to me. I am here but there is another here. 9th June Old cricket balls, things to be thrown for the dog, lying around in the garden upset me. Once they were the children's, now they are the dogs. Walking in the Old Reddings woods this evening, among mauve Rhododendrons, Pam cried a little and said "did Philip ever see these". We think he probably did. He sometimes came for walks which he liked. 10th June Natasha's mother telephoned again. I didn't speak to her. She goes over the same ground again adding little new bits. I am glad she rings. I remember hearing Philip on the landing, saying he was thinking of getting engaged and remember how, in effect, I hid in our bedroom. I did not want him to be engaged to Natasha and thought the best way was to pretend to know nothing about it. Hiding away. 14th June Natasha arranged yesterday to call today in the morning and go with Pam to the cemetery. I went last night in case the grave was parched but it looked fine. Pam and I are beginning to suspect that we will never be happy again. There are odd moments of pleasure and times when one forgets. Wednesday evening I went to a governors meeting which was interesting and I felt quite calm but every twenty five minutes or so I thought consciously of Philip and all the time there is an underlying sadness. I found in the bedroom side table cabinet the notes I made nearly two years ago for a speech at Philip's twenty first birthday dinner in Stanmore. The affair to which he wouldn't ask people from Birmingham. "A speech I'm afraid Philip. Well actually just a few ill chosen words- I mean well chosen. Jokes are traditionally part of the speech. In this case I could perhaps just stand here. Philip even more so. It's a pity we can't stand together side by side. Philip would never eat when he was a child. I always told him if he didn't eat his meat he wouldn't grow like his big brother. Well, he didn't and he did grow. A lesson there somewhere. Talking of tradition I went to a wedding recently. The vicar/celebrant ran through the purposes of marriage. Philip is our last child and it led me to ponder the purpose of Philip. I decided Philip had two purposes. 1. to realise his parents' failed dreams. 2. to be an aid and succour to his aged parents and siblings. Actually I think he might manage the second. When our dog Polly died he was a tower of strength. Fetching the body, digging the grave. Consoling the grieving parents. Philip says he wants to become Filthy rich. If he doesn't make it as an entrepreneur he will make a fine undertaker. Living with Philip is like living with a fascinating pile of gaudy facts (did I mean, or say, fads?) and fashions. He has obsessions. The pet fish, the skate board, the BMX, Natasha. Everyone here tonight can be pretty chuffed. There have been fierce contests, relatives versus friends. So as Philip is exactly 21 and one sixth I want you to stand and drink to Philip. HEALTH, HAPPINESS, PROSPERITY and LONG LIFE" How easily he died. Less than eight months later a man stood in our hall at home at Philip's funeral wishing me "long life". After the 21st dinner Philip and some of his friends went off to a nightclub where, I suppose, they took drugs. I was faintly disappointed that the dinner was only part of the evening. Going on somewhere else was not part of my experience when I was 21. I did go once to the (Coconut Grove?) where Edmundo Ros winked at me. Thirty years later I read he was homosexual. And once I went to somewhere called "The Milroy", an upmarket invitation only club. I doubt that breathing the gas in the helium filled balloons at Philip's dinner and talking in a funny voice as a result, affected the way Philip thought about drugs. My nephew Nigel, a doctor, led the way. Eighteen months later I discovered that Philip had been upset at Natasha's diaphanous dress at the dinner. Not that I would have guessed. I think he discussed it with his cousin's wife Julie at Christmas 15th June Philip has become just the two plastic boxes I carry around with me holding papers about him. The wedding we are going to soon in Shropshire will be a chance to talk about him. 17th June My most vivid memory of Philip and Jonathan in church is the sun striking two golden heads, as they came down the aisle in black and white, ruffed. Jonathan is now balding and Philip is gone. We all, except Jonathan, went to Elizabeth Belok's wedding. Pam talked with Paul Beloks' mother in law. Her son died just 2 years ago in a road accident. The anniversary is next Thursday. My mother must have know my fathers' brother, Frank, who died when he was twenty five. Why was I never really interested in that? A few days ago I met Don. He was grateful that we asked him for Christmas dinner, but really it was at least partially for our benefit, to make the day different, apart from the absence of Phil. 19th June I suppose Pam cries most days. She saw Philip's toaster yesterday and brought it to work for me to use. It is in very good condition. He looked after his things. I remember seeing him meticulously cleaning his electric tooth brush. He looked after his body. He even exercised before he went out for the last time. I have in my office desk at home a little hand held exerciser he sometimes used. Pam spoke to Natasha today. She is going for three and a half weeks to Venezuela with a small, ginger haired boy she hardly knows. Pam feels other people are "moving on." Pam isn't and doesn't want to. 22nd June Pam said black arm bands would be a good idea- the woman in the vets who shouted wouldn't have raised her voice at her. I expect, like car disability stickers, everyone would apply for them to make their lives easier. We saw Sally's wedding video at home. Why is a funeral video, unthinkable? Pam's Aunt Daisy took pictures at her husband Bob's funeral. 23rd June I can thank God for Philip's life, short though it was. Can I give thanks for his death which has given me and I think, us, so much more insight? I found in my cash book the letters I had written to Pam, Joanna, Sally and Jonathan with the outline only of the letter to Philip. I never finished it. Now the letters to be opened on my death can include one to Philip saying I am looking forward to joining him. 27th June A letter came yesterday from the Charity Commission raising objections to the registration of the Philip Davies Trust. It made me wake up sobbing. It was as if Philip had been rejected. Not so, of course. As Pam said, it's my idea that is rejected, not Philip. My father died when he was sixty two, my paternal grandfather at sixty three. I have experienced another sort of death at sixty three. Has Philip's death ruined my life, even at this late stage? If there is no point in life unless pleasure outbalances misery, then, for most of us, there is, I think, no point in life. Pam says, at first, grief for the one who has died, their lost experiences, is the dominant emotion. Then, gradually, one becomes more selfish and thinks mainly of one's own loss. 29th June I wonder if there are many slightly mad people. Who would think me so? Yet I can sit on the floor in my study sorting my papers, saying to myself, "I am going to succeed in what I do for the glory of Philip. I will tell no one but hug the knowledge to myself." And I usually look as I pass the cemetery on my way home from work because, one day, long after I am dead, I will see him walking down the sloping driveway, away from the just visible circle of flowers, towards the road.