1st July Philip is the third generation male Davies to die early. My parents first child, a boy, died a few hours after birth. My father also had a brother, Frank, who died in his mid twenties. I never really asked about them. I was never really interested. Very young, in a garden I remember throwing a stone in the air saying, "this will go to my brother in heaven". My mother told my wife that she blamed herself for her baby's death because she didn't realise she was in labour and walked to the station to meet my father. She didn't know that labour pains could be in the back. But I did not know this until after my mother had died. And now no one knows anything about Frank. My parents told me he died because he didn't eat his greens. Later they said he had gone mad from a non- inheritable type of madness. I once saw some paperwork he had done. Careful clear writing and drawing left in the pages of a Walter Scott novel, illustrating the battle described. 2nd July Natasha has telephoned from Caracas. They arrived and the taxi driver said they were going to a dangerous place. Natasha knows a few words of Spanish and understood. Now they are staying in a safer but dirty hotel. I hope she will be all right. It seems a foolish undertaking. Pam has bought a frame for the photograph of Philip and Natasha. The one that flatters him. I will hang it in Phil's room, that which is to become my office but which I must be careful to refer to as "Phil's room." At the Parochial Church Council meeting, Pam was told she would be glad when the trial was over, "You have another son". Pam tried to explain that affairs concerning Philip afforded the illusion that we could still do something for him and our pain was preferable to the realisation that there was nothing we could now do, except pray and tend his grave. And Philip was unique, not another son. When he died, so too did a part of Pam and my parents. On the way to work yesterday, when Jonathan got out to go to the trains at North Harrow Station, there was a pigeon fluttering on the ground in a corner underneath the bridge. We didn't know what to do so we left it. I know that there was little we could do but I did not want to do anything. This morning as I drove past without stopping, it was just a bedraggled heap of feathers. I had left a sentient, warm moving creature and it had died. Bryn and John left Philip in much the same way. 7th July When we go to the cemetery, I sense that Pamela resents me spending time at my parents grave. Perhaps she is not aware of it, herself. I try not to tend their grave when Pam is with me. 11th July Printing the Philip Davies Trust circular letter to the universities, wondering about the cost, the words "well it will be costing me less than Philip" came into my mind: a shaming thought. 12th July Drove to Cockshotts this morning thinking, it's 65 weeks since I drove there in the sun, radio playing, listening and wondering about the Corsican who shot his only son for betraying an outlaw to the authorities; blissful, in the last few hours of Philip's life. Philip would be back from the College of Law about now. Two years articles would be the next step. Pam often cries. She came into the sun room this evening, "I miss him so much. It seems absurd to be sitting here surrounded by all these lovely flowers." She had burst into tears when the Simplex man came about selling us furniture to transform Philip's room into an office. He had driven from Bristol with a companion and some of the furniture, to demonstrate it's solid wood qualities. Pam doesn't want to change the wallpaper. Pam wondered "should we invite Philip's friends round". She doesn't really want to see them but she doesn't want to loose touch. The Haberdasher friends that is. The people from Birmingham she does not want to see. Except perhaps, James. 13th July Driving to Pinner Hill golf course to walk the dog this morning, I saw, on the left, out of focus as I turned the corner, Philip. It was a young Indian boy. What both Pam and I saw were his body movements. Earlier, leaving our house, a paper boy had ridden across our path. He had Philip's profile. We see Philip in a wide range of ages now, all painful. We are sensitised to other peoples pain in a way I was not before. Miss Howard when I drove her to work sometimes used to comment on disasters in the newspapers that left me unmoved. Now they do not. I suppose to some extent, others' distress comforts one. One of the Waltzers' children had a party this evening. From the bathroom window I could see them in the garden. Shouting, laughing, smoking and drinking they were having the sort of fun that I wish Philip could be having. If he were experiencing it now I would be annoyed. Its the sort of fun that led to his death. The reason that young people go to university for. 14th July In the afternoon we went to Mill Hill School where Andrew was playing in the annual Firm cricket match. He plays for the partners team; last time it was the staff. I can't work out if Philip was alive last time we saw him play, whether it is one year or two. 15th July As I drove in to the runway after work, Pam was sitting under the raised rear door of the Ford. She smiled. When I got out I realised she was crying. She had been to the Hillview Road house as the tenants were leaving and she needed to check the inventory. She hadn't really been inside since Philip died and she was apprehensive. Everything had been fine until she went into what had been our bedroom. Quite changed but still the room in which Philip had been conceived. She was overcome by grief and tears. 19th July The Winter's came and walked round the garden and sat eating cake and drinking coffee in the garden. I realise we didn't mention either Sophie or Philip. Just an unspoken reference when Mr Winter and I talked about sleeping problems and knew we were each thinking of our dead children. This morning, just before waking, I was dreaming of the brochure for "Jonathans", the restaurant in Birmingham we thought we might go to after Philip's graduation. The dream was pain free, but the thought woke me and immediately, the painfilled despondency was back. Mr Winter says the mornings are worst. During the day one develops a carapace. 20th July Natasha's mother phoned this morning, just after our return from the dog walk. Natasha would be back Monday, not Sunday from Venezuela. Natasha had dreamt a good dream about Philip for the first time. He had told her he loved her. Previously, in dreams, he had been reproachful. 21st July Pam reading in the Sunday papers that the police wanted £7.30 to send back a murdered woman's clothes to her husband "or we will destroy them" commented how the policeman who came to tell us Philip was dead, didn't react at all when she reached out to him. She knows that one would not expect him to feel emotion in those circumstances and that perhaps policemen should train themselves not to. 24th July Natasha is back from Venezuela and came to see us in the evening. She arranged for Nick to come as well. We haven't seen him for some months. They went with Jonathan, out to one of the Cafe Rouge restaurants. Nick says Pam and I seem more relaxed. Pam thinks Nick has been affected by Philip's death. Pam would have liked to have talked to him more about Philip. We will ask him around and warn him beforehand that we want to ask him about Philip and drugs. August - various days Thirteen weeks later after Philip died Johnson reported to Belgrave Road Police station where he was charged with sixteen offences, and bailed to appear at Birmingham Magistrates Court on Wednesday, 2nd August. This was the first of a series of preliminary appearances, the list being; Wednesday, 2nd August 1995 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 14th September 1995 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 12th October 1995 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 9th November 1995 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 7th December 1995 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 21st December 1995 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 2nd February 1996 Birmingham Magistrates Court Thursday, 14th March 1996 Birmingham Crown Court. Friday, 26th April 1996 Birmingham Crown Court The trial itself was finally scheduled for Monday, 7th October 1996, being delayed at the request of the defence to allow the accused time to finish a dissertation, Johnson having started at some time a business course. The appearances at the courts were all very similar. Johnson was bailed on each occasion to appear, usually, at 9.45 a.m. The courts start proceedings at 10 o'clock and are usually on time. A jolly crowd of solicitors, barristers and court officials gather in the court a few minutes before ten and the cases are arranged to be heard before the Magistrates in an order that will save the solicitors time. The clerk and ushers seem to informally arrange that solicitor 'a' will have all his cases together first, one day and the next time solicitor 'b' will have his cases together at the start. Johnson wore a dark blue suit on each occasion. He was always accompanied, sometimes by a female friend and sometimes by three rough looking companions, who occasionally carried a copy of the Guardian, presumably as evidence of intellectual and libertarian standards. The woman never came in to the court but would wait outside. His three male companions would sit inside, sometimes very close. We looked at each other covertly, avoiding direct eye contact. When I first realised that Philip had died from drugs supplied by Johnson, I wondered if it was my duty to kill him. I looked at the knives in the kitchen drawer and considered how easily I could walk up behind him and kill him. Pamela said, "how will it help the rest of us if you are in prison". Seeing Johnson in court, in one case sitting next to him in a small room, I was surprised how little animosity I felt. He looked like Philip. He had the same body movements, the same slightly arrogant walk. Pamela was similarly affected. I think she once said "I felt an impulse to put my arms round him". That emotion can exist alongside a desire to hate and to see him imprisoned for many years. An acquittal or a light sentence will depress us. It is difficult to comprehend the motives of Johnson's entourage. Perhaps the woman, who is a few years older, feels maternal or sexual affection for him. She may simply think it her duty to support him. His male companions who often look bored and impatient in court may have nothing better to do. Johnson looks a natural leader in his relationship with them. Alternatively they may be anxious that Johnson may implicate them as other suppliers and dealers in a close knit circle and think it advisable to keep in close contact with him. It was difficult to understand why seven hearings in Birmingham Magistrates Court were necessary before committal to the Crown Court. It was in any case difficult to hear the proceedings, although for the later cases we arranged with the usher to sit well forward in seats intended for court officials. I introduced myself to the Crown Prosecution Service representatives on each occasion and received courteous explanations but it was difficult to avoid the impression that an arcane game was being played which would require initiation to comprehend. Adjournments were requested because documents had been lost or misplaced or had not arrived, or witness statements were not presented on the proper form. Both the prosecution and the defence asked for extra time to prepare. A CPS lawyer explained that she seldom resisted an application to adjourn because "next time it may be me who wants an adjournment". The defence solicitor claimed until the last moment that he would probably demand an "old style committal." A full scale mini trial, with witnesses, in the Magistrates Court to enable the Magistrates to decide if there was a case to be answered in the Crown Court. We were advised by our solicitor that it was advisable to attend each hearing. He wrote: "Although I appreciate that it takes a great deal of time to attend each Hearing, I do think it is most important that you do so. Many cases are either thrown out or severely weakened at interim Hearings such as these." and said on the telephone, "The CPS are much less likely to sell you down the river if you are there. You must let them know you are there". 5th August Natasha to supper: Jonathan prepared a fondue. The last fondue was a week or so before Philip died. It was in Switzerland and we squabbled over it. There was a cameo of Philip in Ibiza. He enjoyed crazy golf. They played every evening. I would not have expected that. Natasha's mother said that the holiday in Ibiza was the highlight of their lives. They were so happy. It was just after the abortion. I can hardly remember them going. Now I write and try to remember. My father used to say when he was getting old (but younger than me), "all my future is in the past." It regularly infuriated me. Natasha spoke of Philip's last night. How she was talking to Johnson when Philip went past. Johnson was saying that Philip didn't really want to part from her. Perhaps Philip saw them, perhaps he didn't. Natasha talked of her meeting with Johnson after Philip died, Tuesday 21st March, I think. A meeting arranged by Mo at her house in Pershore Road. Mo went upstairs to prepare the room in which Natasha spoke to Johnson and ushered Natasha in, Natasha was nervous. Johnson arrived escorted by Sam, a diminutive girl. Natasha wanted to see him because she wanted to find out what had happened on Friday night. Johnson wanted to see her because he was distraught, apologised and simply presumed that Natasha would support him. Gillian had been telling everyone that Natasha had made a statement to the police. Natasha was being looked at askance by her circle. They all asked her to withdraw her statement. Johnson told her what he had told the police, gave Natasha a version of what he claimed had happened (which Natasha believes is only partly accurate) and asked her to alter the story she had told the police. Maybe he assumed that Natasha would follow the rest of Philip's friends and acquaintances in maintaining a wall of silence. He upset Natasha by telling her that when she was quarrelling with Philip in the men's lavatory, he had been in the next cubicle, listening. Pamela remarked next morning how Natasha gradually tells more. Natasha mentioned that her friend Caroline remembers a telephone conversation a week before Philip died. Natasha seemed very distressed and was talking of hiding drugs so that Philip could not find them. Pam feels that with only a little luck matters might have been disclosed. Writing and talking about it makes Philip seem impersonal. Then one realises with dread shock, "this is Philip, our son and he is dead." 6th August Pam arrived at work today after our weekly Wednesday mangers meeting. She seemed upset and burst into tears. In Waitrose earlier, someone behind her said "Hallo Pam, I haven't seen you for ages", People don't speak to her from behind now. They look at her first from the front before speaking. It was the mother of Philip's first friend. They had played together in the play group. The one in the park, I expect. Her son is also called Philip. He is a medical student now. Pam said, "I remember thinking 'Philip's cleverer', and now Philip's dead from heroin" There is another card on the grave from Sonya. It had blown on to the new grave behind. One resents another grave so close, Pam said, and then is pleased. Watering the grave this evening I had much the same reaction. 9th August I had a telephone conversation with D.C.Boyle. He said that he had spoken to the CPS yesterday and that everything seemed o.k. for the 7th.October. He believes there is a new group of drug users at the University. 11th August We went for a walk along the Thames. Sally, James, Pam, me and Jonathan. It's my birthday on Wednesday. Two years ago Philip came and, I think, Natasha. Sally gave me a present: 'The After Life; A Complete Guide to Life After Death.' Claire Short is described in the papers as "a loose cannon." Someone called Philip that. 14th August I am sixty five today. It is very depressing being sixty five and Philip dead. I used to enjoy the idea of being sixty with a teenage son. 15th August Nick phoned work. He was with Natasha and suggested he called at home, collected the dog and took him for a walk. Pam was in the office with me and was pleased. She wanted to ask Nick about Philip. He was at home when I returned. He had told Pam that he and Philip had smoked cannabis a lot at school, Philip always taking it a bit further than others. Philip had smoked in class under the desk for example. He had nearly been caught on a school sailing trip in Holland, exhaling into a masters face when the master leant on the boat and Nick and Phil were under an awning. The master didn't notice. There was a rather more shaming story about faking tickets for a ball and pocketing the money but I do not understand the details. Nick kept using the word "naughtiness" but I'm not sure of the associations of the word for Nick. To me it suggests no more than disapproved of frivolity. Nick showed us the entry for Philip at the back of the 1991 Habs year book. I had not seen them before. They were all one line entries giving a forecast for 2001. Philip's was "in prison for naughtiness" Nick is uncertain whether Johnson should go to prison. He suggested he had to come and talk to us every week for an hour. He does not feel he should be acquitted and escape though. As Nick left he said awkwardly "I'm not religious at all or anything like that but I do think there's something else and we'll see him again. After my grandmother died my parents saw a medium who told them obscure facts only they knew." He offered us the name of the medium. I think he couldn't leave without saying that bit. The plant Joanna gave me, a bonzai type tree really, died a year or two ago. I have a couple of cuttings of scented geranium alongside it, in the pot. This morning I found the dead tree was rotting. I've pulled it out and put it in the bin. I don't like rotting things. I dislike maintaining the compost heap now. In the 50's when Mr Wagstaff next door died, I wondered how his widow stood the idea of his body rotting. He was a big man. An archetypal stockbroker of the past. My father imitated his way of puffing air out, going 'herwooof, herwooof.' 18th August Pam, baking a cake to take to Andrew and Joanna this afternoon, suddenly thought of the cake she didn't bake for Philip the last time we saw him. Busy, she didn't do the baking but bought some food. Philip didn't much like cakes. In the cemetery we often see man who sits on a bench for many hours. He strokes the headstone and leaves slowly, looking back. Why did Philip wear ear rings? We talked about it. There is no objective objection but it does display sympathy for a particular culture. He didn't disagree with that but wore rings in Birmingham and occasionally at home. Did Natasha like them, or did he actually want to show support for the sub-group? 19th August I took a cheque for the Vicar to sign on my way to work today. He commented "you're always cheerful" Is that how I appear? I was talking to a friend about funerals when he said, "Let's talk about something nice". I like talking about funerals. 28th August Back from a long weekend in France with the Champions both Pam and I feel better for it. I did not want to go but in fact am now glad I did. 31st August Alison Haigh brought the Haberdashers Old Girls books over to work for me to audit. Pam was here. She explained how the life subscriptions had been treated to spread them over an expected life of fifty years. This morning a circular letter had arrived for Philip from the Habs Old Boys. Both Pam and I are reluctant to remind them he is dead. Pam has thought of an excuse for leaving Philip on the electoral roll. I can return the list with his name on it because we have no death certificate yet. 1st September Yesterday, Sally saw a medium at the Spiritualist Association in Belgrave Square. The meeting was taped. I listened to it first, after coming home from a meal with Sally and James, Saturday night. Today, I started a second listening, this time with Pam. She quickly became very upset, saying she didn't want anyone else talking about Philip. 3rd September Today has been difficult for both Pam and me. I know why in my case. Last night we went in a coach to Cheshunt for Brian Blackshaw's induction as vicar. At the reception after the service, Brian Blackshaw asked "do you find things a little easier now?" I replied "yes, but we don't like to admit it" and I am sorry I said that. 4th September Talking to Pam about what to say when people ask "How are you?", she said it's a difficult problem. Reply, "Fine" and you feel disloyal. Launch into a description of one's misery and their eyes glaze or you prevent them telling you about their problems, what a ludicrous situation. Sally finds the conversation with the medium a comfort. I do not know what I think. The medium said that Philip was growing and wanted to help us (Yes, Philip helping us now!). I find myself listening to French tapes now on the way to work and seeking Philip's approval and help. I wish I hadn't called him Baldrick after the sailing holiday when he wouldn't wash and got a skin infection. It seemed a good idea at the time. 6th September The Bearmans have given or lent us a pair of hand grips for Pam to exercise the damaged muscles in her wrist and hand. I did not like to tell them that we had Philip's, together with the weights he used to develop his biceps. Weight lifting and drugs are related although in Philip's case I don't think there was a link. 8th September Today, I took off the shelf in the office, the drawing pins, blue tac, sellotape and scissors, that we bought to put up the posters of Philip at the University. They will be subsumed among our office stationery. We listened to the tape of Sally and the medium. Like me, Jonathan was impressed. There is just enough information to make it difficult to dismiss. Pam is hostile to the concept. She will not want us to pursue it. 15 September David Hough telephoned yesterday and arranged to call today. I have not seen him for forty years. When they were with us sitting in the conservatory his wife wanted to talk about their son who died 2nd July 1995. They found him dead after having to break the door down. They are not certain whether he died Saturday or Sunday. The television was on and he lay on his bed half dressed. Two of my old friends have suffered disasters with their sons. Last Christmas Pam did not suffer so much going to the cemetery. The pain came from the realisation that she could give Philip only flowers. In the 'Daily Telegraph' on 16 August it was reported that nearly half of all 15 and 16year olds admit to having tried illegal drugs. September - various We wished we had known that Philip was taking drugs. We assumed that other parents would like to know this facet of their sons and daughters life styles. In this we were mistaken. There was contact with the parents of eight friends; four flatmates, Natasha's and three others. Natasha's were supportive. For other parents, with one exception it was different. We called on Mark's parents on two occasions. His mother who played a subordinate role, was sympathetic but unhelpful. His father was unsympathetic and unhelpful. He took notes. He asked "Alex Johnson was a friend of Philip's. Do you want him to go to prison?" He warned about "being neurotic and letting this thing take over your life." He was very hostile to the police telephoning to complain that they had upset his son. His attitudes were an antithesis to those expressed in my wife's letter to Mark. "Dear Mark, I thought I would like to write to you to put into words our feelings as a family regarding Philip's death and the forthcoming court case. We understand that you have been helpful with regard to the police's enquiries and we are grateful for that, If there is any further information you are able to give, it would of course be beneficial and may help to prevent the case being long drawn out. Your parents told us that you feel that, to some extent, you think things should be "hushed up" as that would be what Philip would have wanted. We, his family, and all his home friends are certain that this is not what he would want. He would be exceedingly angry that he has lost his life to drugs- as would any of you. He would want the truth out in the open, however painful it is. Drugs are a terrible way of life, damaging many young lives and occasionally, as in the case of Philip, causing their death. Many people (including yourself) are suffering in some measure in the pain caused by Philip's needless death and I do not believe that any of us would want other people to suffer similarly, as a result of our failure to do what is right. "Hushing things up" gives a green light to drug pushers and users to carry on. We are sure that Philip, in the light of what has happened to him, would want us all to do what we can to discourage drug use. So, for other young students who, like Philip, might get sucked into the hard drugs scene, we ask you to be completely frank and honest in helping the police. We have naturally been thinking of graduation this week and although I gather you were disappointed with your degree, you have in the circumstances done extremely well and we offer our congratulations." We have had no contact with them since shortly after Philip's death. We hear that Mark sometimes works as a DJ and visits Birmingham at the week ends. I telephoned once telling his mother that I hadn't had a reply from Mark to a letter I had sent. She replied "I don't think you will." James' parents were quite different. Initially wary when I telephoned, they both, mother and father, asked many questions. My wife and I, with our son Jonathan, drove to talk to them. James and his girl friend came in part way through and took part in the discussion. His mother wrote us a letter after. "Dear Pamela, After you left on Saturday I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Philip's death to us was a tragedy and it has been the subject of many hours of discussion with the whole family. Regretfully, to a lesser degree than yourselves, we always felt there were things that didn't quite make sense but time and time again we were told by James that he had never been involved in anything other than occasionally taking cannabis and would never get involved in any "hard drugs". I had no alternative other than to believe James, although I would add there had always been a niggling doubt and I must say at times I felt him to be deeply troubled. As I briefly said to you on Saturday I have spoken on many occasions to Drug Counselling Professionals and reached the conclusion that I would achieve nothing by pressing James too hard for any further information, even though I was anxious to get to the truth. I was advised, and certainly I felt of the same opinion, that my role was to continue to give James the love and support of the family, but avoiding any prying questions. By taking this route, hopefully he would feel able to open up on this obviously very private side of his life, and gain enough confidence to talk to us. I can assure you I felt very deeply for you on Saturday, you must have felt you were not getting the feedback you wanted from us, but rightly or wrongly, for us to have started questioning James and pressing for answers to your questions, would in my opinion have made us appear to be disloyal to him, and I believe he would have lost his trust in us. Unfortunately from your point of view it must have appeared as if we were being incredibly naive and dismissing what you were telling us. Actually it was quite the reverse. As I said previously when you left I felt dreadful, a feeling which must have been very obvious to everyone around and particularly to James. However, on Saturday evening, without any prompting and taking the initiative, James spoke long and painfully to me about his feelings. I do, however, feel that we have a lot more to discuss, but we are taking one step at a time. I have stressed the importance of him going to the Police and he has assured me he will be doing this at the week-end. I hope you will understand what I have tried to convey to you but I shall be pleased to speak to you further if you feel it necessary. With kind regards" The father of Bryn, one of the two flatmates who discovered his body, had a different approach. It had been impossible to obtain coherent replies from Bryn himself. How much this was a deliberate policy and how much an inability to communicate orally is impossible to say. I once asked him "Did Philip behave in a furtive way?" He replied, "What is 'furtive'?" On the other hand when my son Jonathan asked him whether he had told the police some perfectly innocent fact, he said 'No, he was the sort of person who never told anyone anything if he could avoid it.' I telephoned Bryn's home address and spoke to his mother who referred me to her husband. I heard her say in the background as she called him, "You'll never believe this." He was aggressive, refused to have anything to do with me, told me his son was very sensitive, threatened to "have his solicitor on me" and possibly hinted at physical violence. I am amazed as I write his words: "I was brought up hard. I can play rough." In some way I became almost addicted to the need to tell people, excited that it might help, nervous but keen to see their reaction - could each one amaze me more than the last? I telephoned Gill's mother one Saturday morning. "I'm the father of Philip Davies who was a friend of Gill's. Do you know about his death?" "I have heard something" "I've waited until Gill's exams are nearly over. Could my wife and I come over and talk to you about the circumstances of his death this week end?" "I don't see the point in that" "She is a member of a group that takes drugs. So was my son. I wish someone had told me about Philip" "I'm most surprised to hear that" The conversation continued but no meeting was ever agreed. 26th September We talked to the Haberdashers' parents social committee about drugs. Lots of people were there as they wanted to meet the new Headmaster. I don't think he takes drugs seriously. He said carefully, "while drugs are illegal I shall take every step to prevent their use in this school". When a parent asked what cannabis looked like he made a little joke; "has anyone got any here?" The teacher who organised the meeting said as he showed us out that he estimated sixty per cent of the senior boys smoked cannabis. 28th September Natasha was supposed to come during the day. We think she has another boyfriend. This is not something to be unhappy about. Philip would not want her denied the experiences of marriage and motherhood. Sally went through the tape of her meeting with the medium. There was no mention of Natasha. Much is meaningless to us but there is just enough to lead to belief.