11th October The trial is over and Johnson has been sent to prison. Joanna said that if Johnson had come and seen us and said he was sorry, and told us about he and Philip, he would never have been tried. And that, I suppose, is true. Nor would he have been sentenced if he had said nothing. Natasha and her sister were in a Birmingham pub, Saturday night. Mo came in distributing flyers. 14th October James' mother rang and spoke to Pam. She was ashamed of James. He had come back from the trial arrogant and distant. I think he had taken drugs in Birmingham with his old friends. 25th October How can you compare the frivolity of life with death? You read about people who have just lost a child, they normally seem so composed and say the most ridiculous matter of fact things, - 'We didn't get any sleep last night'; 'This has come as a shock to the family'. I pity them and the terrible pain that is yet to come, their reality. 10th November In one of Phil's notepads, Jonathan found a scrap of paper with a note dated 17 October 1992, 12.30pm. Phil did get obsessed by things, he was keen to push the boundaries, but why did he write down these thoughts, a need or desire? "A moment If I close my eyes I can see things going fuzzy and feel my electronics short-circuiting and blowing up. An obsession involves a mutiny from within oneself and one is unable either to arrest it or to ignore it. It feeds you as it feeds on you. It is powerful enough to transmit itself into waves of pleasure - muscle stimulating rushes across the whole body as well as in the mind. I followed her back to halls, unnecessarily" 11th December Quite a lot of sobbing and tears this weekend: mainly me. Undated - December During the night I felt very strongly that nothing matters so long as you are surrounded by love and I felt very peaceful. I remember: Philip in the tower at Laval. - how tightly I held his wrist. Philip in the canoe on the Thames - how anxious I was. Philip at one end of the Ski Heil line giving a gentle push and over they went. Philip standing up to jump off the top of the assault course wall while the others lowered themselves or pushed off. I'm glad I told him about that.